Szayel's Day Out
by unknownsound
Summary: Sayzel has a night out on the town. Rated M for a lot of things. KEEP YOUR CHILDREN FAR AWAY FROM THIS PIECE! You have been warned.


_Well, this is my third fic, but my first oneshot, so don't hold back! Give me all the criticism you got!! There's no particular reason I chose Sayzel - I'm a D-roy fan myself. I just knew I wanted to write a short fic and was fishing around all of my favorite characters and tried to think of the ones that could cause the most trouble. (This almost became "Gin's Day Out"!)But, I decided to but an alternate spin on a calmer character. Anywho, please enjoy. (Just in case you couldn't guess, the x's are bleeps.)_

**Disclaimer** – I do not own anything but the idea of Sayzel being anything more than a lazy ass. If you have to give props, give them to Tite Kubo, the creator.

**Sayzel's Day Out**

Name's Sayzel - ____ Sayzel. But I'm sure you already knew that. I'm also the Prima Espada, special reserve Arrancar, and Hueco Mendo's main "slacker".

But enough of the introductions.

Now, when I say "slacker", don't assume I'm lazy. I am, by no means, lazy – I just have better shit to do besides play the rook in Aizen's little game. Don't believe me? Then let's look at last night, for an example.

Last evening, I snuck out again. I admit it – I sneak out of Hueco Mendo sometimes. I know I risk Aizen ripping my head off and using it for a centerpiece, but the desert gets boring after about, oh, a minute.

So I sneak out. I finally find a guy who looks sorta like me, and eat his soul. (Oh, cry me a river.) Luckily enough, his fashion sense was much better than his spiritual sense. The last guy dressed like a fucking dork. It was taking me forever to filch new clothes, so I just killed everybody there. Humans are a pain in the ass sometimes.

But, I digress.

So I'm walking down the street, look damn good, and I'm looking for a PARTY. I see this empty bar and decide to get a good start-of-the-night buzz going. I walk in, order a few beers, and get my bill. No cash.

Just my luck, I had to get the broke-ass wannabe for a host! I think I have to bail, when I notice the bartender chick checking me out. I get her to forget the bill in exchange for a quickie in the bathroom. (I was planning on getting one along the way, anyway). Plus, she was cute. Maybe the night isn't shot just yet.

Now I'm walking down the street, look damn good (except for the rumpled pants), plus I'm buzzed. Time to party. I walk into a nearby club (free admission courtesy of the bouncers' soul) and order more booze. I pass about half the night in the traditional Friday night fashion (i.e. drinking) and check out the display of human flesh. Just because I'm an Arrancar doesn't mean I'm picky. If I was I'd be like Grimmjow. You would wake up screaming if you knew what he does to thrill himself (may God help any female ghost that comes his way).

But, once again, I digress.

So, I pass half the night slowly getting hammered when, ooh la la, what do I see? A couple of hot chicks staring at me! (Possibly hot. They could've been snaggle-toothed for all I cared; I was drunk.) Anyway, I beckon them over and get them both some drinks. One flirt session later and I suggest that we take our little party elsewhere. Ka-ching!

Five minutes later we're in a taxi and I've got one girl on my lap and she's talking about her xxxx and how she wants me to xxxxx her in her xxxx, and her friend has her hand on my xxxx and she's xxxxx my xxxxx with her xxxxxx. We get off at their place and already chick 1 is xxxxx her friend's xxxxx, and my xxxxxx is in chick 2's xxxxx and she's _working it_. We finally get to the bedroom and I'm already xxxxx their xxxxx until they xxxxxx. Then I say 'Hey, not without me!' and xxxx her xxxxx to the xxxxx. Then they both just start xxxxxx each other, and I just enjoy the show while one's got her buddy's xxxxx in her xxxxxx and she's xxxxxx it until it xxxxxxx all over her xxxx. Then, they call me over, I'm already xxxxx my xxxxx off, so I grab the top girls' xxxxxx and xxxxx it on my xxxxxx until she starts xxxxxx again. Then her friend starts xxxxxxx my xxxxx while I xxxxx her friend's xxxxx. Afterwards, they direct me to the liquor cabinet. Now, we're covered in xxxxx and really hammered on hard liquor, when the neighbor walks in (I don't know why). Their neighbor is hot, too, so I somehow sweet talk her into it. So now, we've got three girls in a heap xxxxxx the xxxxx out of each other, and I jump in. Now, I xxxxxx one's xxxxx until she xxxxx all over one girls' xxxxxxxxx because she's xxxxxx the third girl's xxxxx while she's xxxxxxx my xxxxxx. Eventually, we get so hammered that we just take turns xxxxxxx our xxxxxxx in xxxxxx or the xxxx when she's xxxxx her friends xxxxxx, because we got tired xxxxx each others xxxxxx and my jaw _hurt_, man!

It was an okay night.

I wake up only a couple of hours later - morning - under three unconscious chicks. I'm covered in every imaginable bodily fluid, I look like Hell, I smell like Jack Daniels' himself, and my head feels like it's a minute from splitting open. I'm walking down the street, I look (not to mention smell) like a bum, and I'm hungover. As I try to find a spot to dislodge myself from my vessel of fun, the sun pops out of nowhere like God's flashlight and glares straight into my eyes. I'd blow it up, but then Aizen would know what I was up to.

I ditch my partner in crime in an alleyway, and start the long walk home. As I walk up, I notice Nnorita doing the same a few blocks away. I have no idea what he does at night, and I don't care. I'd love to tell Aizen about that bag of wind, but then I'd sell myself up the creek with him. Oh, well.

I finally muster up the reishi to get myself back to Hueco Mendo (unnoticed, thank God) and sit myself down to catch some decent shut-eye. I just get to sleep when the overblown, big-mouth, asshat Yammy walks by. 'Get up lazy ass!' he yells (natch). Then he starts pissing and moaning about some meeting and how it's unfair that I'm the Prima and he isn't. Boo-hoo. Lumbering off to go beat off in his pillow (he couldn't catch a ghost if they were tied down), his tag-a-long, Luppi, whined 'I swear, you never do anything!!'

I just smirk.

If only they knew.

**END**

_That's it! I hope you enjoyed it. Just so you know, I am not a wild person, so those bleeps were just random. Whatever Sayzel was doing, it's beyond the author's imagination. Actually, I think that I might have invented a new position somewhere in there. (I don't know; did I?) Anyway. For any prior readers, __Love Potion No. 9__ and __Ester in Wonderland__ are __**not**__ discontinued!! I'll be getting to them shortly. I was just having writers block, and this may have been what I needed to dislodge it. For new readers, they're both great stories, so check them out sometime. (The first is Naruto, the second is Bleach.) __**Review or die!!!**__ Thanks for reading!!_


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